We Will Not Get Through This Together

Your free market rationing away of my health care is complete. I am unable to make future appointments with any of my providers “until further notice” and likely not until 2021. Even if covid-19 magically disappeared overnight, the logistics of our hospitals resuming normal care for chronically ill patients is immense. Hospitals are still begging for basic PPE for their front-line providers mid-crisis. My private elective medicine providers aren’t essential services, will be last in line for gloves and masks, and are on the verge of bankruptcy.

There is no going back or returning to normal for me like there is for you. The life that America is collectively enduring together *is* my normal life. Solitude, hyperawareness, financial dependence on a man: this is my baseline, like so many other disabled people.

It’s painful to watch one of the only things our country, our world, has agreed on is that *MY* best life is not just undesirable to a few, it’s unbearable for many. Modest goals I could only dream of weeks ago — fast-tracked health insurance enrollment, live-broadcast platitudes that cost shouldn’t interfere with seeking medical care, doing meaningful paid work from home — has been gifted to a majority of otherwise healthy people who have zero desire or appreciation for such.

Everyday our politicians come on TV to reassure the general public not too worry, the vast majority of today’s deaths aged under 60 are just people like me — unfortunate souls released from their burden of preexisting health conditions. The insult isn’t that politicians say it, it’s that it works. You are reassured. You return to dreaming of the day this “stops.”

Returning to my previous life isn’t strategical possible, and at this point, it’s unwanted. None of you want this life to continue for another 12–18 months; why should I?

The fear of your own death is driving you to sacrifice me. An early, painful death isn’t a fear for me, it’s a reality. Again, your worst fears are my baseline existence.

Your denial of my required healthcare to provide yourselves the *opportunity* for covid-19 treatments, is directly resulting in my current and continued pain and suffering. A covid-19 treatment opportunity I will certainly — and legally — be denied. My guaranteed suffering today due to lack of treatment for my own health needs exists to provide that future opportunity for you.

Unlike the “tragic” uncounted deaths of those who were never able to access testing for their presumed covid-19 infections, the deaths of the neglected, especially suicides, will not be seen as casualties of the virus. They will remain uncounted as “weaknesses” of the individuals. The truth is that it is your individual weaknesses are directly responsible for our collective suffering.

I dread the “end” of this. When all the “leaders” trot out their celebratory warspeak about conquering this enemy, the fortitude of the courageous heroes, and the tragedy of the lost innocents. There will be so much talk about how “we got through this together.” No word as to if I’ll be able to hear these self-congratulatory speeches at your ticker-tape parade, as you all will have left me behind in my apartment, alone. Again.

Originally published April 13, 2020 via social media